All my life I've felt troubled, and unsure about the "Why" of my Being. In recent days, for about two months now, my inner person, a small, rather immature being that exists in me to remind me that really, all I am is a little boy, trying to understand Life, has been subjected to growing pains.
This time, though, it is similar to growing pains one experiences when nearing a moment of graduation from a long, arduous education pursuit, and it dawns on the mind that, "Hey! This seemingly eternal struggle to master this subject and reach a point of deliverance is almost over!"
"But, what now?"
That realization that a major change is about to take place, even though it was longed for for years, can be a daunting sensation!
So, when I began to understand that I am headed into a point of change to my inner person, my little boy me, as a result of a major shift in my marriage relationship over the last year+, it brought mixed emotions, emotions that both gave me good, and tearful, sensations.
It's just days til Thanksgiving, 2011, today. My heart yearns to be with my beloved "wifey," but she has to be apart from me to allow her heart to settle out the many emotions she has had during our 16-odd years of marriage, and regain a sense of belonging with me. For her, this is no small thing, for her birth mother spurned her at birth, then again in her thirties, as she attempted in vain to connect with her mother, after losing her first two children to infant death. The sense of abandonment can be debilitating in the extreme.
In my inner being, I also am undergoing major change. But, for me, it is a change that now I know what I've missed all my life in the form of a caring, nurturing mindset, I simply need to be changed internally to be that loving, caring, gentle person.
It was a sweet surprise to awaken with the thoughts I had. Thoughts of how to express this inner change to my lovely wife, in ways that open her sense of belonging and expressions of gratitude that she is alive, and has a husband who will stand by her through the storms, come what may. The following entered my thoughts . . .
"Uhmm, is this like I will think about how to Soothe my bride during times of doubt and stress? Will it be like finding ways to strengthen her sense of Hope? I want to remember this, so I do not allow my habitual practice of forgetting the good, and then allowing the harmful thoughts to invade my mind and heart to overrun my emotions, or do I find a way to be constantly reminded of this changed attitude? Shall I call it, "Soothing Hope?"
"But, if merely "Soothing Hope," what if I allow it to slip back into a form of hidden agenda, where I have myself in focus, and sooth my wife in order to obtain something for myself?"
That's when it struck me, "If I add "Selfless" to the name I give this, then it becomes like SSH, or a calming sound, one that gently affirms a troubled heart with affirmations, and assurance of abiding love. Is that not what I want to give to my beloved?"
Now, to assist with my being internally changed in this kinder, gentler "Me," my name for it is "Selfless, Soothing Hope." I'd be so happy if my mother would be here to share in my joy! I miss her so . . .
Thinking about Mother, I am missing my father very, very much, too. I was such a terrible child for him, and he was a fine, wonderful father, and as a man. I attended his funeral, and my heart was in like a cold, frozen casket, much like the cold body he once dwelt in, lying there in that casket. I owe my dad such a great debt of gratitude . . .
