Tonight - it's Carl's 42nd Birthday, and I remember when his mom was in the Keflavik, Iceland, Navy/Airforce Base Hospital, now decommissioned, and out of service since 2006, had waited in that little hospital with the alcoholic Navy doctor, for 10 days! What I still hate about myself is how poorly I treated your mom, since I did not visit her there except for about one, or maybe two times, during that terrible, lonely stay.
My heart is so heavy for all I have been, done, and still have trouble with!
Oh well, it seems that we hurt the ones we are truly blessed with who deserve the most of our love, and loving. At least, I do that.
It's been a difficult week for me. Mary-mom, as Carl calls his sweetheart step-mom, has had some good vibes about our marriage, until today, that is. She was trusting in the 'system' of commercial 'death' care, as I put it, to care for her recovery from a shattered shoulder, and loss of most of her vision, about a year ago. Today she was informed that I was no longer welcome to visit her, and that was from the home's assistant admin, who turned against me when she failed to change my mind and come live there with Mary.
Mary & I had a very brief conversation, and maybe she will now come back home, but I do not dare hope so. That's yet to be seen. But, I did run a letter to her up to the Post Office, and the mile walk gave me time to reflect about what Life is about, and what I would want my children to gain from my being of even the most distant influence in their hearts, and minds. It gave me time to realize how little any parent has to offer his child, even if that child loves and cherishes that parent, which only Carl dares to do for me, of all you dear children. But, Carl is a man who loves and looks upon our Creator for how to relate to our parents, and you other three rely upon those who deceive and teach disrespect toward parents, Creator, and all things good, all things relative to reconciliation, and all things that teach one must be considerate of others first.
No, I fail to be considerate of others first, so you know not to think I'm saying I do what I actually do not do. Yet, like Apostle Paul wrote, 'I want to do what I know is good, but, i do that which I really do not want to do - oh, woe is me!'
And, that honest statement from Apostle Paul is what my thoughts were on, tonight. If Paul had had children, it seems to me that he would have best left this statement implanted in their hearts, more than any other of the many things he taught the crowds that flocked to hear his wonderful messages.
What does it mean to understand that I want one thing so badly, but I do the opposite? Well, just maybe it means that I, or whoever dares to think this honestly, will be ready to face our Creator, and say to Him, "Look, Creator, You gave me so wonderful an opportunity to live a good life in Your sight, and all I did was make a terrible mess of your gift, so bad in fact, that others do not like You, and that is the worst thing I could have done."
We might add, "And, all I deserve is to be the farthest away from You, both now and after this life is finished, for me."
In some ways, I think that is how your brother, Carl, thinks about his relationship with me. He knows how much he hurt me with his rejection of me, and his going against my instructions for his well-being as a teen. His mother's disrespect for both me and him played a very damaging part of his disrespect, but he sees himself as fully responsible for allowing his mother, friends, and his own thoughts to cause him to disrespect me, as his father.
It is this personal choice to disrespect someone that is the most evil sinning we can do. It follows the satanic psychological mindset of self-esteem, directly opposing the others-esteem that Creator commands us humans to practice, in order to be approved by Him.
This is exactly what Apostle Paul shared with people. He took this as a mandate against him, personally, just as it is in fact, a clear word against all self-esteeming persons, and the mindset it comes from - greed - and makes those who face it aware that it is each of us who is personally responsible to respect, honor, and love those who we'd rather disrespect, distrust, dishonor, and mistreat, if not do criminal things against them, such as speak altered facts about them, mistreat their reputation by slander and spreading false, or falsified rumors, and causing others to disrespect them.
So, what would I most want my own dearly loved children to take from their dad, to carry for their life, and to make them each a better person, especially when they face Creator?
This: Each day, give praise to Creator, that you are. Then, accept that He has a specific objective for His creating you, and that it is your privilege to be given His honor and power each day to experience the wonder of sharing your Being upon Planet Earth, whether that day brings you joy, fear, pain, kindness, respect, lies, hate, death, disease, kindness, ecstasy, wealth, love, or loss. Then, and I think only then, you will have the ability to experience Living as Creator intends for us to know it.
So, just like Paul also shares with us, we have these construction tools to use to build for us a wonderful living;
He says it like this: Finally, my family, think on these;
"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things."
New American Standard Bible (©1995)
[This passage is found in many NT versions here . . . http://bible.cc/philippians/4-8.htm]
To close this message that could well be my last one to you, my beloved daughter, and your siblings, in my deepest heart, and intentions, always, Always, it has been my fervent hope and desire from when I was 11 years old, to love my wife, and our children, at whatever cost to me it may be. But, it has cost me all I have to love you, and that is as it should be. For, as Paul says, "I count it my greatest honor to have given myself for you to come into the knowledge, and experience, of relationship with Creator."
That, dear ones I cherish beyond anything you know, says what I want each of you to know about your dad.
I love you.
